I stumbled upon this quote on pinterest last week, and I felt it in my heart to share my current struggles and short comings I am experiencing, because I know somewhere someone else is going through this too and I want you to know you are not alone!
I started this blog a little over a year ago to give me something to take my mind off a difficult thing I was going through the subject of Hpv and it's long term effects it has. Hpv is something that a lot of girls, men and woman have but not many talk about because they feel ashamed .
I was diagnosed over 10 years ago with it and lived with shame because of it. For over 9 years my cells were just Hpv. Then 2 years ago right when me and my hubby were planning on having our 3rd child. I was told they progressed and the Doctor told me to stop trying because I needed to have an emergency Leep done to try to destroy the abnormal cells before they progressed into cancer. If this didn't work I'd then need another more involved procedure that would really make it difficult to conceive. This news really destroyed me.
I fought back and fourth in my head with God. I tried to reach out to family and friends, but no one really saw the hurt I was truly feeling. Yes I believe in Christ. Yes I am a Christian. Yes I know he has a plan, and yes I struggle with loss of hope and defeat. I was hurting. I thought God put having a baby in my heart for a reason. Man, I remember after having the Leep. I would just lay in bed and stare at all the nursery pictures I pinned and cry. Going to the stores was the worse. It was newborn babies everywhere I looked. I'd literally run to the bathroom and cry. But why God ? I ran into so many people I knew who were pregnant and I was so happy for them, but my heart hurt
"Why not me, God?"
So then I started this blog. It really helped take my mind off of the baby thing for a while!! But then I stumbled on a bunch of pregnant bloggers and the tears started again.
So I prayed and my hubby prayed and we said lets start trying again and if God wants us to conceive we will. Well this went on for about 7 months and nothing. This just really made me bitter. I remember every month thinking I was pregnant and getting my hopes up and my period would come 5 days late, right when I would go buy a pregnancy test. I was like "REALLY" Then one day I just cried out in the shower and prayed, "Lord when you are ready, if it is not your will then I will not get pregnant. Please comfort my heart and take all these sad feelings away.I am so sorry for my lack of hope in your plan for me, Give me peace in this difficult time." It is still a daily struggle but Christ has restored my hope in his plan. I now know I will pass this test.
"But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26
Thank you for visiting my blog.
God bless,
Lea
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