Hello blogging world. I first want to start off with saying sorry I have been Mia for so long. Tons of stuff happened in this year. First was my oldest Sweet 15 that I planned and decorated myself. Then went the transmission on my car. Then the head gasket on our back up vehicle blew the next day. I was car less for a week and majorly stressed with having to pay over $2000 for a transmission. With all this we had 3 major leaks in our roof in between all of this. Life was a bit tough and we were under major attack.
So in this post I want to talk about something I went through and know the Lord wanted me to share because I know there are other woman going through this too. Please excuse any grammatical errors as English was not my favorite subject!!
Over 2 years ago I was very happy and and on fire for the Lord. I read my bible everyday and God was showing me so many things. I was starting a ministry of handing out gently used clothes to people I would see out on the streets. I was working as a Personal trainer doing what I am passionate about (fitness)and I was in the best shape of my life and just plain "Happy". I was content with my 2 children and we were not planning on having anymore.
Then I stumbled on a picture of a nursery on Pinterest and had a thought put in my heart to have another baby. I spoke with my husband that night and he said sure lets start trying. We discussed where the nursery would go and I started planning the decor
( because I am ocd and love planning ahead). A week later I went in for my annual Pap. The doctor called me a week later and told me to come in asap. I remember sitting in the office surrounded by woman who just delivered and seeing all the new born babies. I went in and the Doctor sat me down in her office. Which I knew was not good news. She then said "I had stage 3 cervical squamous cancer and need to have a Leep done asap." Her next question was "were you wanting any more kids?" I answered her 'yes" she then said "stop trying because I need this procedure asap." I asked her "how long will it be before I can get pregnant? " She said "probably at least 6-8 months." So I scheduled the surgery for a month after that appointment. I got in my car and just broke down in tears. My kids were in the car and they just stayed quiet as if they knew what happened. So for that month I kept myself busy decorating and painting my house. Every time we would go out to buy stuff for the house the enemy would just taunt me with babies everywhere. So much that I had to leave numerous stores to break down in my car.
I had the surgery a month later with a very hard recovery and during the recovery I stopped going to Church and was bed ridden for 2 weeks during this time I began to lose Faith. I went in for my follow up Pap 4 months later to find out I still had stage 2 cells. I still could not try to get pregnant and needed another procedure in about 6 months.
Over a year passed and still no surgery was set up. So me and my husband started trying again to get pregnant because I was tired of waiting on the surgery. After 4 months of no baby and of seeing over 6 people I knew get pregnant or have delivered a baby. I finally broke and went to another doctor for a second opinion.
On that visit I explained everything to her. She did the Pap and the other test I needed at that very first visit.
When she was done. I could see in her eyes something was wrong but she said she will call me with results. She called me a week later to come in and talk with her. Again this visit was in an office and I knew something was wrong. She said "I had stage 3 squamous cells all over the top and bottom of my cervix and needed another surgery asap to see how far it has spread" and again no babies and if I wanted to try later it would be harder to get and to stay pregnant.. Again I went to my car with my kids and broke down crying. I went home and stayed in bed for a week and kept saying in my head "why God, why did you put this in my heart to have another baby?" My daughters sweet 15 was the following week and all I could think about was not seeing her walk down the isle at her wedding forget getting pregnant I didn't know if I was going to live, had this had spread to my lymphnodes.
After all this over 2 years have passed no baby, 2 surgeries, no more church, no more praying. I was angry with God. Every time my husband would try to talk to me about God I would just ignore him. I would remember the pain I was feeling from not being healed, to not being able to get pregnant. I went in for my results after the surgery. The doctor told me she was aggressive and the results showed no more cancer cells. I was still at this point angry with God. My husband begged me to go with him to church and I did and A girl from the choir came down off the stage in the middle of the song and hugged me and told me God loves me and to put my faith in him. Being angry still I wasn't affected by it on the outside but I felt a heat come over me and my heart was beating. That night I started praying to God before bed. My husband asked me if I wanted to start trying again? I said sure so we did. After 3 months of trying. I finally put my trust in God and left the control in his hands. I told my husband I wanted to stop trying and was content with not getting pregnant. Finally I wasn't angry with God. We found out a month later. I was pregnant!! My due date was an exact year after I had my last surgery (the surgery that I was the most angry with God about). This was God showing me he was in control this whole time and just wanted me to have faith in his timing.
I just want to say if you are going through this too it's OK to get angry, just do not lose your Faith in God. He is in control and just wants us to put our Faith in him and his timing. You are not alone. I too cried myself to sleep many nights. I too cried many times in the shower so no one would hear me.
My trial was having Faith in God and his timing. So if we have a girl her name will be Faith.
Thank you for visiting.
God Bless,
Lea
